The following people can marry:
* those with a past history of rape or murder
* active members of the Ku Klux Klan or Nazi Party
* people with late-stage AIDS or terminal cancer
* Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
The following people cannot marry:
* lesbians and gay men who love and support each other unconditionally
The following people find this unacceptable:
* any person we would want creating binding laws on our behavior


"Marriage isn't sacred! Not in America! We have 'The Bachelor' and 'The Bachelorette' and 'Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire' and 'Who Wants to Marry a Midget'." --Chris Rock

"'Don't [let gay people] get married.' Well, why not? You don't have to go to the wedding; you don't have to buy anything. It doesn't matter! It doesn't have any effect on your life; why the f*** do you care?" --Louis CK, comedian

"'How am I supposed to explain to my child... that two men are getting married?' [shrugs] I don't know; it's YOUR kid. YOU f***in' tell him! Two guys are in love, but they can't get married because you don't wanna talk to your ugly child for five minutes?" --Louis CK


I found the following on the Internet, and I think it merits writing down.
TOP TEN REASONS GAY MARRIAGE WILL DESTROY AMERICAN SOCIETY
10. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things. (Like eyeglasses, polyester, oral sex, and air conditioning.)
9. Allowing gay marriage will encourage people to be gay. (In the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.)
8. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets. (Because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.)
7. Straight marriage has been around a very long time and has not changed at all. (It is still a property exchange with the woman's father, Blacks still cannot marry whites, and cheating on your wife is still punishable by stoning to death.)
6. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. (The sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.)
5. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. (Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, more than half of the world is well-fed every day, and the world needs more children.)
4. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children. (Since straight parents only raise straight children.)
3. Gay marriage is incompatible with Christian values. (That's why there are no Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Jews, or atheists in America.)
2. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. (That's why our society expressly forbids single parents to raise children, and why orphans have never produced significant contributions to society.)
1. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to the social change. (We still haven't adapted to cars, the service-based economy, longer life spans, or the rights of women to vote.)


And, of course, one of my favorite bumper stickers of all time.
Emblazoned upon a faded rainbow, in bold black letters, is the following:
"Will God judge me for loving, or judge YOU for hating?"